what I want...part two

today i want (back everything I have lost in the past 3 days being really, really sick):

my throat not to hurt every time i swallow.

my nose to make up it's mind on whether it's gonna be runny or stuffed up.

to be able to breathe through my nose again.

my sense of smell and taste back.

my entire body to ache...just a little less.

a nap...even though all i've done for the past 72 hours is sleep.

sunshine...mega doses of sunshine...it was BEAUTIFUL out yesterday and I only got a glimpse.

blessings i received through my illness:

two days off work smack dab in the middle of the week...it's called calling out sick, but I chose to look at it more as a mini vacation....

my kids were really, really sweet to me...

unlimited cups of green tea with way more honey than i would normally allow...for my throat's sake

chicken noodle soup....

a care taker, a.k.a. Tim, who came home from CVS with a bag full of over the counter drugs for my relief...although I'm anti-medicine...I have actually indulged today so that I can get through my 8 hours of work...

homemade get well cards...

more hours of sleep than I normally get in a week in the past 3 days....

a few hours of good old mindless tv watching....including 2 REALLY great episodes of cheaters...that show is so awesome!

A chance to catch up on some reading...

A snickers ice cream bar...another gift from T, even though I couldn't taste it...the ice cream felt heavenly on my throat.

Vitamin Water...and Emergencee packets...always a blessing.

Three nights in a row when I didn't have to think about, prepare, cook, and clean up after dinner!

Hoping that tomorrow will find me with an almost healed body and lot's of energy...going to my first college football game...tail-gating while healing from the flu...not such a good idea...but a day alone with Tim, no kids...such a great idea!

Really looking forward to it....and the weather is soooooo nice out...love when the weather outside makes you feel different inside...a new, but yet familiar time...

Here is my fall top 10 list. (For my fellow blog friends...seems I was the last)

1. Get to rock your hoodies! (confession: I'm a 30 year old who loves hoodies more than any 16 year old)

2. Jacuzzi dates!

3. Fires in the fire pit - outside hanging out becomes fun again...once the heat and the mosquitos go away!

4. Cuddling! It becomes so much better when you are actually looking for body heat from the person you are cuddling with, instead of sticking to them.

5. Pumpkin stuff! Latte's, bread and pie!!

6. Comfort food! And yes, that comes with a slight weight gain...but i say...SO WHAT!

7. Thanksgiving...taking gratitude to a whole new level surrounding yourself with family and friends and so much good food you can't help but be thankful!

8. Soup!

9. Christmas!

10. Time off work...who doesn't love getting paid time off from work!?

what i want

what i want. (today...it's always changing)
and what I actually accomplished today....

to listen to jazz. (check)

dig my toes into the sand...dancing.

sleep under the stars.

laugh my head off. (check)

sleep in and eat decadent food in bed.

trip while holding someone's hand.

listen closely.

whisper secrets.

speak up.

soak up the sun. (check)

be told brave, true words.

be in the company of people who cherish me to my bones.

be met halfway.

surrender. (check)

love fearlessly....without armor or shield. (check)

be afraid and leap regardless. (check)

dream. (check)

new destinations.

intimacy, kisses and hugs. (check)

barefeet and beach nights.

gently accepting when the ache comes.

go forward with open hands and a slow trusting stride.

wide smiles and exclamations of delight.

choose each moment and make it count.

play. play. play.

heal the broken parts.

help others heal their broken parts.

not feel the urgency of time.

write love notes. (check)

receive love notes.

be as i am. perfect. right now.

be moved.

forgive myself and others.

abandon plans...allow adventure.

invent new routes.

feel everything, even the pain...

let go.

express gratitude and blessing for everything. (check)

thank you.

thank you.

thank you....

The lessons of others.

It's always a sad things when a relationship dies...it happens slowly, over time...deteriorating at a snails pace. Conflicts, fights, hurt feelings...they all slowly eat away at the foundation of what brought you together in the first place.

Why does that always get lost? Why do we focus only on the good in people at the beginning and then as we become comfortable in the daily interactions we start to focus on what we perceive to be the bad? Why do we work so hard at the beginning to be our best selves, to practice love and kindness...treating the other person as they are oh so special...but as those people really become important to us, after we have committed ourselves to them, after we marry them, after we take them completely into our lives...we start to mistreat them. We make them feel inferior. We stop supporting them. We withhold our love and start to judge their every move with anger and resentment. We ignore them. We don't make an effort to resolve our problems. We can't forgive.

We forget all of the wonderful qualities that made us love them in the beginning and we only see the bad. I think it should be the other way around. When we first are dating, we should not really care what the other person thinks. We should be our true authentic selves, let out all of our not so nice qualities. Let the other person try them on. Show them our anger, show them our bad attitudes, tell them upfront that we will ignore them and withhold our love if we do not like their behavior. Tell them that we are not capable of unconditional love. Inform them that we do not intend to support them and think of them in their best light once we get comfortable.

We would save so much time and heartache if we all could just have a crystal ball to see where each road will lead. May be a fantasy...but wouldn't it be nice to know all this upfront? To see that the person in front of you that adores and dotes on you...that tells you how they are constantly thinking of you and how happy you make them...and then once you fall for them - once you let yourself believe all they have been telling you..then they pull out the rug from underneath you. They do not love you. They do not believe in you. They do not adore everything about you. They no longer think about you constantly...and now the only time they do think about you - it's negative. They used to want to be with you ALL the time...now they can't get far enough away from you. They used to want to look at you, talk to you. Now they ignore you and treat you like you are invisible. They used to put your needs before their own, thinking of nice things to do and say to make you feel better...now the only focus they have is on themselves. What they don't get. What they want. How they feel.

I will find a way to make sure this does not ever happen to me again.

I want to love unconditionally. I want to have understanding and patience. I want to love the unlovable. I want to appreciate all the good as well as the bad. I want to live my life on a higher level.

I want to know that I am happy and at peace with myself and that no outside circumstances can anger or upset me, unless I choose to let them. What I see in other's that upsets me, is a reflection of what I am unhappy with inside myself. If we all take the time to work from the inside out, we will find a new appreciation for others. When you are filled with love inside of yourself...it seeps out. It overflows. There is enough for everyone. We can all give each other a break. What comes back to us from the outside world, is a reflection of ourselves. Pessimistic people get back bad, ugly, angry things. Optimists see sunshine and butterflies. You get what you give. It's not our place to find fault in what other people chose to do and those choices only affect us if we let them.

Everything we need we have inside of ourselves. We are made in the image of God. God is everything and everywhere....no beginning and no end. God is perfection. God is abundance. God is love. We are all of those things too...we may forget sometimes, but if we focus and believe that, our lives will be enriched beyond our wildest imaginations.

People in our lives are not meant to harm us or bring us pain and suffering. They are here to bring joy to our lives, to teach us lessons. To help us become better. Do not let your unhappiness be reflected on to other people. Start inside and work on you. You are the designer of your life. Your thoughts create your world. Focus on what you want deep inside of your soul. And only focus on the positives! Ask for those things. Believe you have them. Feel good about all the blessings you have and all of the good things that are coming your way. Let go of the past and do not think about what you fear or do not want. Your thoughts manifest your reality. Positive thoughts = positive reality.

Every man dies, but not every man truly lives.

Just some things I am pondering today....

If motherhood has taught me anything, it’s the importance of really looking at who you are and who you want to be with honesty, courage and love. I feel more like "myself" at thirty than I ever have before, yet I wonder if I really live my life true to who I believe that I am. I am self evaluating today...

I believe strongly in so many things, yet, I am very laid back. I don't let anything ever become my "mission" - I may be into something for awhile, but it's always changing...there are so many things that need my attention, so many interests...I find it hard to focus for long on just one thing. I guess I could feel badly about that. But I don't. I enjoy living life by the seat of my pants. If I am enjoying my day to day activities, that matters most to me. I don't need a list of accomplishments or causes to feel good about myself. I have realized that my world, the world I need to most concern myself with, includes a very small circle of people. They are really all that matter to me...they are the ones that I have the most influence over...and the ones that most influence me. My kids, family, a few close friends, my relationship...those are the things that make up my day to day...add that up, and that's my life. Sure I worry about the future, I educate myself about politics and environmental concerns, but I honestly believe my purpose here is not to save the world, just to make the lives of the ones I love a little better each day.

We are our children’s first role-models, which means it's worth it to try to become real ones of our own. In my opinion, its not about being perfect and really not about projecting a perfect facade. It is about loving and honoring life enough to dig down deep and make the most of our time here. "Every man dies, but not every man truly lives." Words to live by.

“We are what we think. All that we are, arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make our world.” I've been reading and watching The Secret again...every time I tap into this mind frame, it's amazing how different every thing feels. I know how a good day is usually a good day from start to finish...you wake up and everything just seems to line up...and the same for a bad day. It all just snow balls into one big mess. How amazing is it that our thoughts can bring us either good things/or bad. I know our minds and our emotions play a huge part in the way our bodies work...if nothing else, it would do us all good, health wise, if we could just figure out how to be more zen. I think that is one of my biggest goals in life...zen 24-7. I love coming into contact with people that are like that...there voice, their words, their gentle nature...the look on their face...it all just makes you feel...so peaceful. Relaxed. Happy. Special. I love it and that is who I want to project back out to the world. I am making a conscious effort to meditate on good things...more often.


And last, but not least...change. I love change! Change has a way of throwing us off balance, making us feel uncertain and insecure, but it is not meant to discourage us. It’s purpose is to notify us that we are at the edge of our comfort zone, in between our old life and our new one. Change brings a new and life enhaning territory, both inside and out. I open my arms and wrap them tightly around change...it always makes me better in the end...and I love being better.

Swinging...

Warning, this is not a friendly mom post. You will not see pictures of children playing at the park here.

I am writing today out of curiosity. My topic today: SWINGERS. (Long story on why this topic is on my brain today...but it has nothing to do with me!) Here is my question. How do you have sex with out an emotional component being attached to it? If you are part of a couple, that cares and loves one another, how do you willingly give yourself and your partner to other people? I have always believed that when you have sex...you give away a piece of yourself to that other person. Now, I am not a virgin (obviously, I have kids) nor have I only had sex with one person or even just a couple of people...but each time there has been an emotional component to it. Not all of those relationships ever became great loves of my life, but there was ALWAYS emotion there. I can't imagine being in love and totally committed to my partner and not being damaged by them giving to others what they are giving me. How does that work? How do you seperate it?

My 2nd question...wouldn't you think that it would have to be out of balance? That there would be one person who maybe goes along with it for the sake of the other's desire? Or, if they are both ok with it...there has to be circumstances where one half of the couple isn't attracted to the other half of the other couple...we all have different likes and dislikes and swinging has to be based purely on lust. You don't take time to get to know them, you don't like their sense of humour or fall in love with their mind...what happens when wifey isn't into the other woman's partner? How does that work? I can see maybe enjoying some passionate sex with someone that you are totally attracted to...but what if you aren't. Then what? Do you let hubby get it on with the wife and you just say...pass? Wouldn't you feel like your husband had one up on you. I doubt that a man would ever pass up any type of sex, but us women...we would. We couldn't enjoy random sex with someone that we have nothing with...no emotion and no attraction?

My 3rd concern (and forgive me if I am a little old fashioned)...I feel that the more times you experience an "act" - like having sex - just the act, no attachment, no emotions, no bonding...that it has to lessen the experience in general. Do porn stars love sex after doing it over and over again...day after day? It has to become mechanical and less satisfying...maybe initially there would be a thrill...but that has to fade. Then what? You take up extreme sports or start playing Russian roulette? I am somewhat of a thrill seeker myself but that is just a thrill I don't think would be to the benefit of my relationship...I'm not trying to be judgemental here...just trying to wrap my head around it.

One of the websites I have been reading said that swingers use the current divorce statistic of 60% and say that 37% of husbands and 29% of wives admit to affairs. I understand those statistics, but isn't cheating is due to more of an emotional need not being met, rather than a physical one?Affairs make people feel special and wanted. It's about the feeling, not the sex. I don't think if you are feeling loved by your partner that you would even desire sex with another person. Isn't the normal response to want sex from your partner...isn't that part of it?

They say that swinging is just about sex, not emotion, friendship or love. That jealousy isn't an issue, since there is no relationship with the other parties. They say it provides adventure and variety and the opportunity to live out fantasies as a couple, with no deceit.

I did learn some new "swinger" lingo...

• Greedy Girls' Nights...nights catering to women who want multiple men...a.k.a. gang bangs
• Barebacking...groups that swing without using protection. They are safe because they all stay with in their little tight knit disease free community. How special...

Wow. Wow. and Wow.

Signing off possibly for the weekend...my best girls are coming to town and we have a play date with Mr. Kenny Chesney. Whoooo weeeee!!!!

Back to school.

Today was Amaya's first day of pre-k! And Kayla's 2nd day of first grade!

She was excited as we walked to school, carrying her nap mat and chatting with the crossing guard. She anxiously awaited for us to find her classroom and when we walked in she met her teacher and found her desk. It was all smiles until she realized that Kayla and I were leaving her...alone...all day at school. The tears started coming and she just kept hugging me and saying...No Mommy, don't go. I want Kayla to stay! I love you! It KILLED me to leave her, but I knew that once we were outta sight, she would be fine. Kayla had a harder time leaving her than I did. Amaya's teacher sat down beside her,...I saw that she was occupied, so I quickly slipped out of the door. Kayla was right behind me, but she kept looking back at Amaya. Once outside Kayla yelled in "I love you, Maya!"

As I was walking Kayla to her classroom, she said "Mommy, it hurts me when Maya's upset. I feel sad when she's sad. I hope she's ok..." I assured Kayla that she would be fine and that Maya would love school just like she does and I told her what a great big sister she is and how proud I am that my little girls love each other so much.

After dropping Kayla off, I walked back home...and amazingly, I didn't cry. I have always been terrified that when the time came, I wouldn't be able to let go. It was mind over matter today, but I did it and without tears.

And now I get to enjoy a peaceful day of working from home with no children! I'm celebrating!

"Naked Fools"

I've been locked in doors all week thanks to constant rain from Tropical Storm Fay. I finally was able to get out last night for a big exciting trip out to the grocery store! Not very exciting, but I took the chance to escape for an hour and I really did enjoy every moment of it. I've always loved grocery shopping...something about walking up and down the aisles, filling up that cart and then coming home and filling up the house with food. Makes me feel good. TGIF and I'm looking forward to a good weekend...hoping the weather isn't continously crappy. We have furniture that needs to be redone and big yard renovations planned. I am looking forward to some grown up time with Tim. He has even been talking of turning off the Blackberry this weekend...here's to hoping!

I am SO craving adventure today. I wish I could have a coffee date with one of my friends, we could wander around antique shops looking for treasures...or a long dinner with cocktails, where we laugh, act silly and talk late into the night. Or go to the beach at dusk and just soak in the waves and the salt and drink a bottle of wine. Or get really dressed up and go out for a ridiculously expensive meal - adults only of course. I'd be happy even with a great book, one that totally changes my perspective, something to excite my brain. I feel stagnant. Weighted down by mundane things. Repetition. UGH.

I don't want this to be a depressing...so here's some kid updates.

Amaya's new favorite thing is to pull pranks. She'll come up with a wild story about a giraffe in the back yard...or say...Momma, your hair is turning blue...and then she get's this big grin on her face - points at me with both hands and says " NAKED FOOLS!!!!" HA! It cracks me up everytime! She's grown up so much in the last month...my baby is going to "big girl school" (pre-k) on Monday. Maybe it's her new independance from "Big Love" - her pillow that not only had a name, went everywhere with her and was probably the closest thing she's had to a best friend thus far...she just seems so grown up. She has the funniest little personality and the BIGGEST sense of humour I've ever seen in a child her age. She makes me laugh often. She's sees the "funny" in everything and that I love.

Kayla has become a diva. She prances around the house, moving her hips from side to side in a very exaggerated way...most sentances are spoken in her very best "valley girl" voice. She giggles in this high pitched cackle...she snaps her fingers over her head as she voices her comment on how she thinks things should be. She wants "make-overs" every day, glitter lip gloss, painted finger nails and her beautiful curly har...she wants it straightened with a flat iron. She changes her clothes almost once an hour. She crushes on 15 year old boys...like Nick from the Jonas Brother's. She tells me she knows how to dance hip hop. She is six. How do I stop my little baby from growing up so fast....too fast?

A few weeks back at dinner...Z asked Tim - Poppa, you'd tell me if you were a robot, right? I don't know the last time I have laughed that hard. He was dead serious. Really concerned....so funny!

XOXO